Not Amazing

I am not amazing. I have heard that several times this week. I have heard a few other opinions as well. I have lived with chronic illness for most of my adult life. Very early in my 20’s I learned to accept a new normal. I wake up, and I don’t have the energy everyone else has, I never had that. I had to accept that I would assess the energy I have for the day and use it and be happy. I admit I have not always done that. For years, I played the sick card. I sat on my ass and waited to feel better as if I am entitled to feel good.  I don’t do that anymore, and that is the reason that people think it is so amazing that I try to do the same things they should be doing.  Quite honestly, it pisses me off that people who could achieve physical, education, or other goals sit around and say that I am amazing.

I push through the pain. When I started running a few years ago, I thought I would hate it but I didn’t. I realized that it was another way I could learn to deal with the chronic pain that I experience every single day. Pain changes the way you think and the level of crap that you are willing to accept in relationships. I find myself throwing the bullshit card much more often these days.

I know what works for me. It won’t work for everyone, and I don’t judge others with my same challenges. They need to learn what works for them. As far as others judging my choices, I find it funny that they think they know more than I do about what it is like to live in a broken body.

Currently, I want to complete a half marathon at the end of April. It is very unlikely that will happen considering the last week and my challenges. I have had several medical issues, both new and unexpected and extensions of old ones that are no surprise. My list of ologists continues to grow, and I am ready to step out of the ring and tell them when they come up with a plan to let me know. I have done this in the past. Maybe it is a bit passive/aggressive but I need to know and understand what I am doing.

I am not sure how specific I want to be about some of the health issues that have caused problems this week. I will say that I am really sick of pneumonia this winter.  Getting three invasive GI tests in a five-day span was just STUPID and will NEVER happen again. Not only did I agree to the three tests that required two preps (anyone with IBD can relate), but I continued my usual routine (including running and working).  VERY STUPID. This threw the thyroid out of remission and then I started to have cardiac issues. Now I am convincing cardiologists, endocrinologists, and the other team of ologists that I am ok. If I hear ‘just as a precaution’ one more time I will scream.

I am sure of one thing; I will not sit on my ass and wait to feel better. It never works for me. I need to continue to keep my goals and schedules and plan my day the way I always do, by assessing my energy and pain and setting my goals for the day accordingly.

This week I wanted my long run to be ten miles. It could have been outside because the weather is great. That will not be happening. I ran yesterday, only two miles but it was outside, and I was successful. I will be trying for an outdoor 6.5 mile run tomorrow, and I will be cross-training all week. It is looking like I may not be able to finish the half in April, if that is the case, my new normal will be to accept that I can finish a 5K and pick a new date for the half later in the year.

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